Issue Three

A woman called the Dr. Laura radio show and said, “I put some porcelain angels on my front lawn and they’re being stolen.” I don’t know what the lady’s point was or how Dr. Laura responded because my brain glazed over as I wondered why in the world someone would want porcelain angels on their lawn.

My aversion to things on lawns is not total. I’m referring only to ornaments that benefit no one. Not chairs, pretty benches or bird houses and feeders. At least those types of ornaments provide something needed and substantial–whether it is a load off some feet, a snack or a drink of water. I’m talking about spectacles that are there for no good reason except to clutter up the planet. Makes me wonder about the people who purchase them. The flowers and the trees aren’t good enough to look at?

I believe this whole lawn ornament thing started years ago when people began to place small men holding lanterns near their front doors and walkways. That idea probably seeded the first ‘Malibu Light.’ Maybe the homeowner wished someone would light his way home or just keep a light on–and that’s a benefit. Even today Malibu Lights benefit someone.

Those little men who helped others find their way in the dark have pretty much disappeared and have been replaced by useless wooden women–bent over wearing a polk-a-dot dresses with fat rear-ends. Lots of people have them, the ornaments that is and they don’t light the way.

Then the shadow figures came and some still prevail. You know them–the black wooden cutouts of shapes. The shapes are varied from a man smoking a pipe to a retriever dog to a child in a bonnet. There are so many options that people make story scenes out of them: They position the shadow man smoking the pipe next to the shadow dog who appears to be jumping on the shadow child who is holding the shadow sprinkler can. Some people put a bandanna around the shadow man’s neck! The whole thing looks like a bizarre Norman Rockwell painting. Norman Rockwell on acid. The dark side of Rockwell. It’s frightening. What is so nice about shadow people leaning against the shed in the back yard? Those creepy faceless children standing among wilted iris’s does not portray warmth to me.

What are the people who create these designs on their lawns really trying to say? Are they making scenes of what they wish would happen? Are they thinking, ‘I wish a deer would come on my front lawn?’ And since we all know deer can’t stand us because we shoot them, such a real intrusion is unlikely. So the person puts a fake deer on the lawn as if to say, ‘wouldn’t it be nice if I could look at a deer everyday?’ In the driveway sits the pick-up truck with the gun rack attached. Is there anyway to explain to people that if they stopped shooting them the real ones might come?

If this theory is true, that placing useless ornaments on the lawn is merely bizarre wishful thinking, then how do we explain those shadow people? Does the person want a strange man and a dog on their lawn? What about those angels that the women claimed were being stolen? Is she looking for extra blessings?

Perhaps it’s not a theory at all and it is suburban art. If its just art then for me the ultimate lawn art is at Valvo’s on Route 5. There, standing proudly in the middle of the parking lot is a really big and tall waitress. Her name is Dolly and she’s bigger than Bob at Bob’s Big Boy. She stands higher than a sailboat mast. She holds a tray above her head and I bet she’ll give that shadow man the thrill of his life.