Issue Ten

 
    Greek Proverb–When at a loss how to go on, cough. 

    Ahem.  I’m not coughing, just clearing my throat.  You see I must take some time out for myself, to collect my thoughts, to see what it is I might want to say once the crowd gathers at the foot of the very significant podium I’ll be commanding.  Phew, it’s a lot of pressure.  Hmmm.  Will my speech match the solemnity, the exquisite craftsmanship, the power of the podium?  Darn. 
    Er.  Well.  “Wow, thank you for your generous applause,” I’ll say, and follow it up with a, “It’s uh a pleasure to be here today.”  That should get the crowd going.  Ooh and at the end, I’ll tell them they were a wonderful, no, I’ll say “outstanding” audience.  Really, really beautiful people, I’ll tell them.  That oughta work.  And I’ll thank God.  Gotta thank God. 
    Well, that’s it.  That’s all I’ve got, a beginning and an end.  Good, right?  But the middle…I gotta tell you, since we’re talking, I’m pretty worried about the middle.  I’ve been trying to fill it up with nonsense, but good nonsense.  You know, colorful ways of saying nothing at all.  But it should be humorous and deep and chock full of nuance.  Nuance is at the top of my list when I think about what I need to convey in this speech.  It’s important. 
    I’ve been working on this for about a week now and it’s been tough, but then I got this book, Zounds!: A Browser’s Dictionary of Interjections and cha-ching!  It’s been a big help.  Forget the long pauses and guttural mutterings of the old school, those sounds that tell you, “I’m deep in yet another brilliant thought.”  Zounds! has taught me tons.  Not the least of which is that anyone can say zoinks, it’s not just for Shaggy.  Kabow and kaboom, those are OK too.  Even OK is OK.  I just added them all to my speech, in fact.  It’s gonna be great.  All hells-bells and yabba-dabba-dos, whoop-de-dos and tons of those really great, “aha” moments people are always talking about on late-night talk shows.  (You know, “Well Sally, I had just polished my shoes that morning and I got on the subway and the guy sitting in front of me had this huge bald spot, and it was just one of those aha moments.  Why not invent a spray on shoe-polish to cover up bald spots?  I mean, why not?”)
    The ancient Greeks sure were onto something with that coughing bit, but gadzooks, it needed a little updating.

    –Zounds!: A Browser’s Dictionary of Interjections by Mark Dunn, and Sergio Aragones.  St. Martin’s Griffin [March 1, 2005]