Issue One

Half a cup of violets has as much vitamin C as four oranges. They are also high in vitamin A, iron, and calcium. We think they are best when candied. So, get those violets off the windowsill and start cooking.

TO CANDY VIOLETS

Collect a bunch of the flowers. Wash and dry them carefully. Separate one egg. Whip the white until just foamy. Save the yolk for another purpose. The purpose for the leftover yolk will not be in this article. Dip the flowers one at a time into the egg white. Be sure to cover all surfaces. Then dip them one by one into a dish of super fine white sugar. To make regular sugar super fine, put it in the blender a few minutes. Roll the flower into a little ball or to be fancy, use toothpicks to spread each flower back to its original shape. Sprinkle with more sugar. Set on wax paper and dry.

You can also eat violets raw or cooked. They can be added to cooked dishes for thickener and make a great colorful addition to a salad. Cook them into spinach for additional nutrition.

WARNING or NOT: Too many violets act as a laxative.

Got Bats?
Bats have a bad rep. People think they’re rabid and ugly. Some may be, but so are many dogs and cats. Bats eat mosquitoes, moths, small rodents and other unpleasant creatures. Can’t say that about Rover. Bats do not fly into people’s hair and they are not blind. The see quite well. In addition to their excellent sight, they use a sonar system that helps them locate their prey and zap it at high speed.

Bats are running out of space to live. They like forests and loosely constructed out buildings. With the current crunch in housing, it is no surprise to hear more and more people complain about bats in the house. If you happen to get a bat in your living space, don’t panic. Most likely, the bat is panicked enough, and someone in the room has to be the bigger person. Don’t get the tennis racket, the baseball bat or a two by four. Remember, that bat is going to eat the mosquito that carries the West Nile that’s going to kill you. You may get goggles, windbreakers and big boots. Grab a dustpan if you want. Hold a big pillow against yourself. (There is no reason for this except to make you feel better. The last thing the bat wants is to run into your ridiculous garb or your gelled hair; besides, with your new buzz cut, where is he going to go?) You may get a broom, but not to use as a weapon. You are going to use the broom as a herding device should you need to herd her (or if you have more than one, them.) You may take a blanket. But not as a weapon. You’re going to use the blanket when the bat gets tired.

Contain the bat in one room. Enter the room and close the door behind you. Open the window and, using the broom, without swatting the bat, shoo her out the way you would shoo the cat out.

Didn’t work? Well, if the bat has been flying around she’s tired. When she lands, throw a blanket over her and wrap her up. Unfold the blanket outside and let her go get those killer mosquitos.

Didn’t work? Try this: turn off all the lights in the house. Open the windows, and the bat should fly out the window.

Didn’t work? Go back to the first suggestion and start over. It takes patience and time. Removing a bat is not in the category of things that provide instant gratification. Worth noting here: Bats in many states are protected not because they are scarce, but because they are so valuable to the ecosystem. Also worth noting: If you don’t want them IN your house, build them a house of their own. Beats toxic mosquito spray.

For bat house information write:

Bat Conservation International
P.O. Box 162603
Austin, Texas 78716

OR go to BirdNest.comBathouse

Move Your Cheese
The hot book this past summer, "Who Moved My Cheese," by Spencer Johnson, M.D., was given to me by a friend. I am guessing after reading the book, which took me 15 minutes cover to cover, that she gave it to me for one of two possible reasons: 1. She thinks I’ve been nibbling at the chunk for too long; 2. She is cheering me on for moving away from the cheese.

I recently quit a lovely career of 15 years (not including college) to stay home and write the great American play. A concept that I realize does not exist. I found out four months into my retirement that I was supposed to be in search of the Great American Novel. Oh. A book. Oops. I guess I stopped at the wrong cheddar.

Publishing history tells us that self-help books have been around for a while now. There have been and there are still some comprehensive books on the market that successfully deal with what mentally ails us. The drawback to those books is that it takes time and some level of higher intelligence to read and understand them. Cheese, I suspect, has grabbed its success by using the KISS principle. Cheese is a 15-minute suggestion on how to deal with change, and an encouragement to welcome it. CEOs, (who probably don’t have time to read much else, which may account for how great they thought it was—do they have anything besides a quarterly report to compare it to?), absolutely loved the quality of the book. Their gushing remarks were almost embarrassing. Merrill Lynch International went so far as to say that Spencer had "unique storytelling insights" and called it a "rare book" because it could be read and understood by everybody. A euphemism for the KISS principle. At least they were being nice about it.

Company execs claim they have given the books to their employees, and it’s quite obvious why. The cheese represents companies. The book’s message is to not get too comfortable with the cheese. I think the book provided CEOs around the country the perfect marketing scheme to convince employees (in a fun, happy way) that the employee is not in charge and change will occur whether the employee likes it or not. The book, I suspect, would be the employee’s pacifier in times of great change. Just what every CEO needs: happy, lulled, dumbed-down employees who won’t speak up against anything! Especially change!

I personally would be insulted if my boss gave me the book, and I suggest to those employees that received the book from their bosses to leave or check the company’s organization chart because it is probably going to change soon.

They say that most writing is at the eighth-grade level, with that in mind, I’m going to say the author was wise to write "Who Moved My Cheese" in a first-grade level which guarantees that the whole country completely understands it. When people feel so comfortable understanding something, of course they’re going to think it’s absolutely great. Hickory Dickory Dock.

P.S.: Spencer Johnson is the same M.D. who wrote "The One Minute Manager," "The One Minute Teacher," "The One Minute Father" and "The One Minute Mother."

KISS!

Sightings on The Web

Am I out of date or has this ‘thing’ against people with mullet haircuts been going on long before I recently discovered it? In case you’re like I used to be, and you don’t know the cut I’m talking about, the mullet cut is long in the back, short in the front. It may be an offspring from that ‘white trash’ haircut ‘the tail’. Remember in the late 80’s, early 90’s when even young children were sporting tails? Well, those tails have grown in and wa-lah, we have the mullet. To get a true picture of what a mullet head really looks like go to www.mulletsgalore.com. It’s a hilarious site that ranks the mullet head with the lowest of lows. The keeper of the site is someone we hope to meet someday as he is our idol.

A site that lets you play games with Ally McBeal’s weight by throwing large chocolate Easter eggs at her until she explodes is www.zthing.com. At this site I got to see Brittney Spears fart in concert. I also got revenge on those mullet heads by using my curser to shave them. But beware; don’t shave the bald guy who also runs from the trailer - where apparently all the mullet heads live.

And check your fruit, it may have a website. From my mouth I pulled a sticker unseen on the first bite that said: www.plum.com. While we’re at it, doesn’t everything have a web site these days?

If you want to see where all your high school friends are, go to www.highschoolalumni.com. At this site, you can add your name to the list and be sure to never miss out on the fun reunions. Look for mullet heads in your class while you’re at the party.

BG