Issue One

You people who linger over the fruit and vegetable bins at the supermarket, what are you looking for? You know who you are! You’re the person who prods the plums, pokes the peaches and fondles the melons. What are you looking for? While you’re poking the stuff, I’m staring at you trying to see if, for all your efforts, you look healthier than I do. You don’t. You don’t walk faster than I do. You don’t breathe easier than me.

I do know that you types have bad attitudes because every time I try to reach over and grab any old plum, especially a plum YOU haven’t touched yet, you glare at me. You think I’ll take a good one. If I happen to get a good one, I get another glare. I guess I’m not allowed to be lucky. I’m supposed to be like you and ‘work’ for my good food. You think I haven’t put my time in at the bin. Apparently, time is something people like you have plenty of! I have to assume you either don’t have a job, or worse, a life. The corn section, by the way, is my ultimate pet peeve. Stop half peeling it, for crying out loud! Take a chance…take the loss…do you really think other people want that peeled corn after you’ve breathed on it and felt it up?

I’m suggesting that supermarkets do something to solve the problem for people like me. There should be two bins. One for me called "Quickies" and one for you called "Pickies." The picky people would certainly help keep my bin filled with all their unnecessary throwaways. For instance, after a picky person touches every cherry and then for some insane reason doesn’t like it, they can toss it into the quickie bin, the one I’ll be running by. They can squeeze all the melons they want and, with my blessing, throw them in my side, for all I care..

I have even gone so far as to ask you prodders what you’re looking for and sorry to say, "My mother told me," is not a reasonable answer. You may not want to hear my reason for just picking it up and buying it, but I’ll tell you anyway: I have a life, and it doesn’t include petting tomatoes.