Issue Nine
The Perfect Coctail by Rachel Nathan
On my quest to find the “Perfect Cocktail,”
On my quest to find the “Perfect Cocktail,” I realized, like the search for the perfect man, I would have to put my lips on a lot of martinis before settling into one that was just right. Ready for action and booze, I went on the town eager to rank this city’s finest cocktail, the martini. Welcome to my world of martinis, bartinis, flirtinis and the mantini.
There I was sitting at the bar, scanning the crowd while enjoying my favorite, Ketel One, served arctic cold with a twist. I was surrounded by an array of people, professionals young and old, Goodtime Charlies and Mr. Goodbars, ladies in red, divas in black, happy hour goers, and the always entertaining bachelor and bachelorette parties. Sipping my “happy in a glass,” I noticed the men in the crowd holding their martinis in hand; you could feel their libidos rising with pheromones and arrogance adding an aroma to the room.
This cocktail showed no prejudice. It was limitless, boundless–in fact, it was damn perfect. Within moments it dawned on me that I need not rank which bar or restaurant had the best martini, because the martini was already established. It was the men holding those perfect martinis, which I like to call “mantinis,” who needed to be ranked!
I went home after my night of “researching,” and set my own martini mood–with what I like to call the “hometini,” adding a little music to my slow sip (St. Germain is my beat of choice.) As my hometini drained and warmth filled my body, I pondered this iconic drink. Men and martinis flowed through my brain as vodka swirled in my mouth. You can tell a lot by what kind of martini a man drinks. Men, like animals in the wild, can be judged by their martini habits.
James Bond’s martini was actually called a Vesper, mixed with both vodka and gin, and a splash of Lillet. The origins of the classic martini seem surrounded by dispute as to whether it was originally gin or vodka based. My sources lean towards gin with a hint of vermouth as being the true classic martini, though vodka enjoys more prevalence in the martini world.
Let’s get started with the classic gin. In my years of drinking, serving and observing, I’ve always noticed the gin martini man. I like to refer to this masculine type of man who orders his classic martini as “mantini.” You can easily spot this gentleman, (and I like to refer to this man as dapper and distinguished). The gin mantini has a strong character, with a subdued aggression verging on intensity. He believes martinis were meant to be consumed as they were originally formulated, with gin. This man has a deep appreciation for what he admires–not only his mantini, but, also his women. He can look at a woman and have an ability to tap into her sexuality on cue.
There are two types of men who order the classic vodka martini. The man who specifies which vodka, (the “top shelfer”), and the one who’ll drink whatever’s clever. The “top shelfer” knows that upon ordering his point is made, he is a man who likes quality, and goes after it boldly. Ladies, watch out for this man, as he also could have a dominant personality with a hint of pomposity. Just keep this in mind while you order a non-threatening pink Cosmopolitan, and he orders his vodka martini, Grey Goose, chilled with three olives. Maybe we have a bit of a “controller” here too! You can be easily fooled by a man who puts it out there all at once, showing his true colors as they are poured into a martini glass. This bold mantini may be aggressive in the bar, but, come showtime might prematurely finish and blow his mantini cover!
The “well” vodka man does not understand vodka martinis and the importance of the vodka used. This man just simply has little taste, or does not know any better. Vodka has a complexity to it that varies through types. Low grade vodka just does not do it for me, and simple men who drink low grade vodka do not do it for me either. Most likely he treats all his women the same, as if they do not vary and has little appreciation for women’s sexuality.
The Dirty Martini. Well, hands down–this man also loves his Bloody Marys. This man most likely loves to drink and enjoys robust flavors. A dirty martini is a bold selection, filled with olive juice and sometimes olive brine or variations of garnish with different types of stuffed olives. This martini can be viewed as a mini-meal in itself. A man who orders the dirty martini really enjoys the drink and could care less if he is eating with it–he simply just wants his martini. You can tell what kind of man this is outside the martini lifestyle too, and that just plainly turns me on. This man handles himself very well in public and even better in bed, sometimes over the top. From outlandish positions to hours of interlude, he enjoys his women to the fullest, just like his martinis… robust in flavor–robust in bed!
The Fruity Martini, aka the “Fruitini,” includes the Lemon Drop, the Apple Martini, and the occasional coconut, berry or pineapple blends. There are a few types of men who order these martinis. There are three who immediately come to mind; the man who does not care that he is ordering a feminine drink; the man who is proud of his feminine side, wink wink; and the man who is afraid of what others might think. Self consciously, this last man requests that his fruitini be poured into a tall glass, his machismo still in tact. I do believe this man is compensating for something. You can tell where the fruitini drinker lies sexually by just talking to him for one drink’s worth of time–the bedroom is going to be no surprise at all, he has no clue. His sensual style may be superficial and his sexual style might feel like shots of vodka rather than martinis of lust...